It is not the end of the world..

In life, things are unpredictable..one second you can be happy & laugh, another second you might be cry in tears..

When somethings hit you badly, we got angry and we cursed, we break down & cried and some people commit suicide...on the road pon, if somebody did not give signals for turning, drive like a kura-kura or drive like a F1 driver pon, we'll cursed madly..hehe..

Ironically, when my gynea diagnosed my miscarriages are due to incompetent cervix, I did not cried..when seeing Dania's clubfeet at the first time also, I was puzzled but I did not complaint..Then I was diagnosed with brain tumor and need a emergency surgery,I'm still okay and receptive..

Today when entered Dr Kumar's room, I've told him that I've read the radiologist summary and I knew that there is recurrence..He just smiled but he told me 'i've told u so'...He explained my situation he shows us the brain diagram and where is the tumor located..a ah Dania was there too..betul kata Kak Mas, usually when the mummy is sick, the children will be more matured from their age..She sat still, and listened to our conversation..

The tumor is confirmed slightly growing and it grows at the same location..it grows on the blood vein..The radio surgery may not kill the tumor totally, but it helps to stop and reduce it from growing..since the tumor is still small, the radiation is strong enough to focus on the tumor..Surgery is not possible to remove the tumor since it may grow back unless the blood vein is cut and re-attach..and the patient may get stroke..

So the best option is to opt for radiation and after than I'll be monitored every 6 months with MRI..If another 3-4 years the tumor is not growing after the radiation, it can be confirmed that the tumor is no longer grows..With latest technology in radio surgery, it may not need an equipment to make ur head stay still for the laser shoot..but then the hardware & software is not yet arrived at SJMC ..then if that case, my head will drilled with some paku to make my head stay still..tapi he asked me to remind him next Monday to confirm...aku jugak yg kene remind ker? adusss..Tentatively the radiosurgery will be on 17th Dec..

Both Doctors, Dr Kumar & Dr Zurin told me that the cause of brain tumor is unknown..it not caused of what u've hv eaten. ur lifestyle or whatever..betul jugak tuh takkan 3 months old baby pon ada brain tumor..so nasib2 lah..but I feel so blessed having this illness..

Bosan lah citer pasal brain tumor ni....since yesterday, I heard Dania nanyi 'aku cintaaaa' tapi macam dengar tak dengar..Today she got 2 microphones from McD Happy Meal and she can't stop using the mic and sang all the nursery rhymes...and she happily sang 'Aku Cintaaaa...' depan her Abah..and Abah said, 'lagu apa Dania nanyi ni, abah tak ajar pon..sapa ajar Dania nanyi lagu ni..and Dania replied 'Aisyah'...(Aisyah is one of her friend at nursery)..macam2 budak sekarang ni..:)

Hidup ku sungguh meriah...

Despite of knowing my repeat MRI was on the following day after KT trip, it never stops me to enjoy myself..The trip indeed was a good one, full of fun but it's too short..

We went to Taman Tamadun Islam, Masjid Kristal, Pasar Payang, ICT at Teluk Ketapang, Kg Losong, and I'm so rajin to join KT branch morning meeting..:)..Dania had her swimming action at the hotel, and left some mark after 2x jatuh at Taman Tamadun Islam..

So, Next trip is to Bukit Merah Lake Town Resort...:)

I had my repeat MRI last Monday, and did not sibuk to baca the radiologist remark until just now.I heard Kak Jamiliah told me the summary will be shared during my consultancy with Dr Kumar.Tapi they gv me the summary for early preparation agaknye..:)

It says a lot of things.Ada measurement which I believe the rumor size...1.8x1.5x1cm..
But yg bestnye it also states that 'left occipital region lesion possible recurrence of meningioma.'
The last 4 words mmg faham..
Hmm..so i guess i should not wait any longer and I will opt for radiation therapy.
Meningioma itu adalah salah satu type benign tumor.Brain tumor ni ada more than 120 types..Check out this sites.

I have a lot of things to do and to think..
While I'm in hospital nanti, sila jenguk2 Dania eh?

My 3 angels

Hari ini I learn something precious from Kak Emmy..
It was hard to learn that one of my colleagues in my office and she is so close to me, had lost long waiting baby due to misabortion..but she looks okay and the lab test result shows that she had virus infection in her blood that caused the fetus stop growing.
Kak Emmy told her that there would be an angel waiting for her in heaven..

Today, Kak Emmy shows me one of the hadis which said

'Rasulullah S.A.W bersabda: “tidaklah dua orang muslim (suami isteri) yg ditimpa kematian 3 orang anaknya yg belum baligh kecuali Allah memasukkan kedua nya kedalam syurgaNya dgn keutamaan dan rahmatNya.” Lebih lanjut rasulullah S.A.W bersabda, “Dan mereka berada di depan pintu dari pintu2 syurga, kmdn dikatakan kpd mereka: ‘masuklah kalian ke dlm syurga.’ Mereka menjawab: ‘kami tidak akan masuk hingga kedua orang tua kami datang.’ Lalu dikatakan kpd mereka: ‘masuklah kaloan semua ke dlm syurga bersama bapa dan ibu kalian dgn keutamaan Allah dan rahmatNya.” (riwayat an-nasa’ie dan al-baihaqi)

Dari Abu Said Al-Khudri, Rasulullah S.A.W bersabda: “wanita mana saja yg ditimpa kematian 3 orang anaknya menjadikannya sbg tabir penghalang baginya masuk ke dlm neraka. Seorang wanita bertanya, ‘bagaimana pula dgn 2 org anak?’ Baginda S.A.W menjawab, ‘Juga dua orang anak.’ (Riwayat bukhari, muslim dan al-baihaqi)...'

It really reminds me of my 3 angels..I still remember their face esp the last two who were almost completed foetus..I'm so lucky I got to see all of them during my sleep after went out from 10 hours surgery..they are so cheerful to see me but they do not want me to come close to them..The place is so white, with white flowers, white rivers and fountains..it is so beautiful place, so peaceful and calming..and I still can feel tears coming from my eyes..

I hope I will not forget about them..I will let Dania know about their existence in our lives..I knew that since Dania arrival, I was too busy with my daily routine until I forgotten and passed their departure day..I know they are waiting for me up there and I hope they will patiently wait for us..

My 3 angels, Insya Allah..we will meet again as a family..and I miss you too..:)